Notes from the Bog

Madame Zwelch makes no guarantee regarding the accuracy of her predictions. Follow her advice at your own risk! To learn more about your Bog sign, please visit the Bog Zodiac.

Dragonfly (March 21-April 19)
A lucky time is coming for you starting zis week, Dragonfly. You will feel like things are going your way, and you will meet many helpful people. Also you will get some extra money in the bank. Use zis lucky time, insect. Lucky is as lucky does.

Stump (April 20-May 20)
Is time for fun, fun, fun zis week. Who says summer is over? Keep on enjoying yourself, Stump. Is not time yet to take life seriously again. For now, let your moss grow while you have a good time. Later, when the frost hits the pumpkin, you can be serious again.

Two-headed Snake (May 21-June 20)
The best way to enjoy yourself zis week is to stay home. Trust Madame—a quiet time away from the hurly-burly world will be just what you need to get your heads together. Family life can be surprisingly comforting for a confused, slightly burnt-out snake.

Turtle (June 21-July 22)
You are feeling curious zis week, Turtle. Is perfect for reptiles heading back to school. If you think you are too old for school, maybe is time to sign up for a fall class in singing or German—or singing in German. Is never too late to feed your curiosity.

Vulture (July 23-August 22)
Expect things to be unsettled and changeable for you zis week, stinky bird. You might have to fly off somewhere for work or a family matter. Some weighty issue what has been dragging on for months and months will begin to end. Notice Madame said “begin to end”—it will maybe drag on for a little bit longer. Take a bath.

Toadstool (August 23-September 22)
You will maybe come into a little extra money zis week. Of course you will be tempted to spend it right away, so listen to what Madame is telling to you: Don’t be stupid. Think hard before you decide what to spend your new money on. (Madame does accept gifts and cash tips.)

Water Strider (September 23-October 22)
Is coming a very lucky time for you, bug. Zis week will only be the beginning of zis lucky time. Things will happen in your favor, but you must be ready; keep your beady little eyes open and grab opportunities when they come. The bug who hesitates will stride in circles forever.

Bat (October 23-November 21)
You will be extra charming zis week, Bat, as the cosmic spotlight shines on you. People will be drawn to you like never before, and you will be ready with ideas, advice, or just a furry shoulder to cry on. Everyone will overlook your funny wings and your tendency to flutter around like a crazy flying mammal.

Cattail (November 22-December 21)
Madame thinks you are dealing with some people who are getting all on your nerves lately. Zis week could bring some relief, as maybe you will get a chance to talk things over with a friend and find some new ways to deal with idiots. Or you can just complain about the idiots to any friend who will listen, which can be helpful too.

Spider (December 22-January 19)
You are entering a happy, lucky time, Spider. Zis is not a time to worry over all the details of your web. Relax a little and take each day as it comes. Zis way, you will not be thrown off kilter by the little unexpected things. One of those unexpected things could become a big opportunity and a new strand in your web.

Snail (January 20-February 18)
You will be very popular zis week, Snail. Others are drawn to your strange charm. You will enjoy influence over others both at work and at home. Everyone will tactfully ignore your slime. Finally, people are starting to listen to you and realize how smart you are.

Tadpole (February 19-March 20)
You will be a happy, friendly little Tadpole zis week. You will enjoy others’ company and they will enjoy yours. Have fun. If you have had any fights with friends recently, now is the time to repair the damage, as you will find it easy to listen to their side and explain your own side. Maybe you will realize you were wrong a little bit.

Madame Zwelch makes no guarantee regarding the accuracy of her predictions. Follow her advice at your own risk! To learn more about your Bog sign, please visit the Bog Zodiac.

Dragonfly (March 21-April 19)
Is time to spruce up your home, Dragonfly. Madame sees you operating a paint brush and possibly power tools with efficiency and skill. Everyone else is too shy to tell you, but your home is a big ugly mess lately. Clean and fix, clean and fix. Then people will want to come visit you again.

Stump (April 20-May 20)
You must take time to relax zis week. Take a couple days off and go away to some nice spa place where you can be pampered like you deserve. Or take an afternoon off and get a massage and a pedicure. Or go see a movie and eat some of that nasty movie popcorn. Or stay home and read a trashy novel and take naps all day. Do something!

Two-headed Snake (May 21-June 20)
Money troubles will begin to ease zis week, Snake. You will have a little extra income, and you will find many bargains and other ways to save. You are getting so smart about money now, with your little lists and your box of coupons. Trust Madame, zis is how Snakes become secret millionaires.

Turtle (June 21-July 22)
Is time to plan your way to success, Turtle! All Bog signs are in tune with you zis week. Zis means you can now plan for what you should do for the whole year to come. Think outside your shell, Turtle. Think of where you want to be in twelve months, and then start crawling in that direction. Do not hesitate.

Vulture (July 23-August 22)
Go on vacation zis week, stinky bird. Please. Let the rest of us breathe for once. Madame is just kidding you now! Zis is a good week to get away from it all, to stop thinking about work all the time and just have a little fun for once. If you travel, take care not to try to cram in too much activity. Remember to relax!

Toadstool (August 23-September 22)
Still people are drawn to you zis week. Expect the week to be filled with social activities. Somehow you will become the center of attention at all these events. Everyone loves you! Even some people you have not seen in years will drift back into your life; let them realize how wonderful you are and how much they have missed you. Don’t poison anybody!

Water Strider (September 23-October 22)
Focus on work zis week. Is a good time to do impressive things to get yourself noticed. Share your smart ideas (keep the dumb ones to yourself) and volunteer to do some extra stuff—it will pay off in the long run. If you are stuck in some crappy job where working hard never pays off, zis is a good week to start looking for new work. Stride away to a better bog!

Bat (October 23-November 21)
Spend time with friends zis week. You will talk, talk, talk about everything you have been doing lately. Don’t forget to listen too—your friends have also done some stuff. And remember there are some private things that you should keep to yourself. Trust Madame, nobody wants to hear about everything you have done lately.

Cattail (November 22-December 21)
Focus on your career zis week. Your work is in the spotlight. Many people are interested in what you do and how you do it. A careful Cattail will work extra hard now to impress these people and gain future influence. One or more of these impressed people will be important to your career later.

Spider (December 22-January 19)
Expect to meet new people zis week. You will have to leave your precious web for zis to happen. It will be okay; your web will be fine while you are gone. Some of these people you meet could become close friends or business associates. Trust Madame, one day you will thank her for when she told you to get out of your boring old web for a while!

Snail (January 20-February 18)
Madame sees change coming to your job. You might get a little raise, but is more likely you will just get extra work to do. Zis is both a burden and an opportunity. Make a plan for how zis work can get done without you doing all of it, then tactfully tell your boss what your plan is. Notice Madame said “tactfully”; if you just crawl around screaming like your slime is on fire, your boss will just think you are nuts and can’t handle pressure.

Tadpole (February 19-March 20)
Have a little party zis week, Tadpole. Money is still tight, so you shouldn’t plan a big bash with a band and fireworks. A potluck picnic is more reasonable. Just get together with friends and family and enjoy their company. Lately life seems very expensive, but playing tag with the kids is still free.

Madame Zwelch makes no guarantee regarding the accuracy of her predictions. Follow her advice at your own risk! To learn more about your Bog sign, please visit the Bog Zodiac.

Dragonfly (March 21-April 19)
Fly slowly zis week. The air will be very hot, even for you, Dragonfly. You will maybe feel a little bit lazy, like you just want to stay home and sip lemonade. Zis is not a bad idea, as the heat will make you be an inattentive flyer. If you can’t stay home, maybe you should take the bus to work.

Stump (April 20-May 20)
Look around your home, Stump. Is maybe time to part with some of your extraneous stuff. Put little price stickers on things and have a sale. Some things you can give away to friends (let them figure out what to do with it). Junk only weighs you down, so get rid of it.

Two-headed Snake (May 21-June 20)
Is time for you to meet some new people, Snake. Do zis by getting involved in interesting things. Look around and see where you can offer your talents as a volunteer, or maybe you should join a book club or take a summer class. Your two heads will argue about zis a little bit. One head will want to stay home and watch reality TV. You must listen to your smart head what tells you to slither off the sofa and live a little!

Turtle (June 21-July 22)
Is a slow week for you. Madame sees you staying inside of your shell or crawling about slowly and aimlessly. Is too hot to be ambitious zis week, so take life as easy as you can. Be a relaxed Turtle. Go swimming, and don’t forget the sun block.

Vulture (July 23-August 22)
Madame sees conflict coming for you, stinky bird. When zis happens, you must fly away from it, though you will be tempted to flap your smelly wings in an attempt to overcome your opponent with your stench. Do not make the problem worse; is okay to let the stupid, annoying person have their way—for now.

Toadstool (August 23-September 22)
You will become strangely attractive late zis week, Toadstool. Expect people to be drawn to you over the weekend. They will want to hang around you for a week or two, then they will lose interest a little bit. But for now, enjoy the attention and make new friends. Don’t poison anybody!

Water Strider (September 23-October 22)
Spend time with your friends zis week. Don’t plan anything big; just sitting around talking and drinking iced tea is enough. Lately you have not had enough of these quality times and you have maybe forgotten how smart some of your friends really are. One of them will give you some great advice.

Bat (October 23-November 21)
People think highly of you zis week. They watch how you fly, and they are amazed. Especially zis is good for you where your work is concerned. Hard work zis week will pay off big in the long run. Don’t be shy about telling influential people about the work you are doing. They can’t be impressed with how wonderful you are if they don’t know about you!

Cattail (November 22-December 21)
Madame sees relationship stress for you zis week, weed. Someone is getting all on your nerves and you are swaying around, wondering what you should do. Madame will not tell you what to do, but if zis person is causing so much stress and is not good for you, you should sway away from them for good.

Spider (December 22-January 19)
Things will be smooth in your web zis week, especially with your significant other. You will find yourselves in agreement about most things. If you have no significant other but want to find one, look to someone from your past. Maybe you once thought zis person was too ugly for you, but now you are older and lonelier and looks are not so important. (Or maybe they once thought you were too ugly?)

Snail (January 20-February 18)
Late zis week you will enter a brief period when people will love you for no apparent reason. They will listen to what you say and do whatever you want. Use zis power wisely. If you use it only for good now, the people you influence will remember you in a positive light later. If you use it for evil, those same people will slash your tires later.

Tadpole (February 19-March 20)
Madame sees money troubles for you zis week, Tadpole. Your income is not meeting all your needs. You will maybe have to adjust your lifestyle to stay afloat. Find creative ways to cut expenses, like cancel your cable TV and entertain yourself with sock puppets instead of reality television. You also might find some extra money zis week, but do not spend it frivolously.

Madame Zwelch makes no guarantee regarding the accuracy of her predictions. Follow her advice at your own risk! To learn more about your Bog sign, please visit the Bog Zodiac.

Dragonfly (March 21-April 19)
Madame thinks you have been offered an amazing opportunity what is not so amazing as it seems. You have seen too many late-night infomercials, and their promises of splendiferous stupendousness are messing up your concept of reality. Turn off your TV. Get off your lumpy sofa and go fly around. Don’t accept that “promotion” to be caretaker of the boss’s pet fainting goat. Is a stinky job. Good benefits, though.

Stump (April 20-May 20)
You will have a fight zis week with someone who holds your fate in their hands. Madame is talking about something big here, like the kid who pours your morning coffee at the drive-through. You must think before you open your dumb mouth and say something to upset zis very important person. Don’t criticize their new tattoo; overlook the nose piercing. Be a smart Stump, unless you want salt in your coffee.

Two-headed Snake (May 21-June 20)
You are of two minds about money matters zis week. Big surprise. Your income is down, but still you feel lucky, like maybe zis is your week to win big on a $1 scratch-off ticket. Go on, take a chance. You will maybe win a few bucks. Or you will lose a dollar. Is no matter. Then you will go back to listening to your sensible head what very smartly tells you to grow your savings account.

Turtle (June 21-July 22)
Lately some difficult people have been getting all over your nerves. It is like they are poking you in the eye repeatedly, and is starting to tick you off. Zis is a bad sign. An angry Turtle is a dangerous thing. Listen, you must not let the world’s idiots get to you. Turn your head before they poke your eye next time. Smile and crawl away slowly. Be happy. Zis will make the idiots so mad!

Vulture (July 23-August 22)
Zis week you must watch out for someone who is being bad behind your back. They are doing something so wrong and making it look like someone else’s fault. Or they are telling you that up is down and there’s no such thing as aliens, ghosts, or prescient turtles. You must be skeptical. Trust no one. The truth is out there.

Toadstool (August 23-September 22)
Madame sees trouble zis week with someone close to you. Is all a big fight over competing worldviews. You like Coke; your friend likes Pepsi. For zis you are ready to end a friendship? Listen to what Madame is telling to you: You both should drink more water instead of so much sugary junk what is rotting your teeth and your brains. Fight about important stuff, like which side should Bella choose in that new crazy vampire/werewolf movie.

Water Strider (September 23-October 22)
Zis week you will have a big problem when a friend or relative asks to crash on your couch “just for a few nights.” Ha! Zis person will still be on your couch in six months if you let them come in now. Such a conundrum. You want to be friendly, but not that friendly. Listen to what Madame tells to you: Find out what animal your friend is allergic to and adopt one or more of these animals as a pet. Trust Madame, a pet moose is better than a permanent couch-crasher.

Bat (October 23-November 21)
Madame sees trouble on the road for you, Bat. You should take only short trips to 7-Eleven for Slurpees and candy bars, and do not fly there yourself; have a friend take you on their bicycle. Stay within a three-mile radius of your home. Better yet, stay inside of your home. Inside of your bed is a safe place. Pull the covers over your little head. If you ignore Madame’s advice, expect annoying things to happen. Is your own fault for not listening.

Cattail (November 22-December 21)
Zis week you will have money trouble, Cattail. Suddenly you realize you don’t have enough of it. You will maybe feel all nervous like you do sometimes, and you will start swaying all over like a crazy weed, worrying for how you can get more money. Dumb weed. Calm down and sway slower. So you will not buy so much stuff right now; who cares? Your little roots are still inside of the nice soft mud, are they not? Be happy in your muddy place.

Spider (December 22-January 19)
Zis week you will have a big fight with someone close to you. Madame thinks zis person will maybe accidentally mess up your pretty web a little bit and zis will make you run around like crazy, screaming and waving your legs. Sometimes you must be more understanding of others, Spider. You can always spin more web, but you can’t spin a new friendship. Madame has spoken.

Snail (January 20-February 18)
You will have trouble at work zis week, Snail. Everything will go wrong. Everyone will annoy you. You will maybe even be blamed for stuff what is not your fault. Listen to what Madame is telling to you: Do not begin screaming and throwing office supplies; zis will only bring more trouble. Instead, hide inside of your shell until things calm down. Is okay to leave a little slime on the most annoying person’s chair, though; zis will be very funny, I think.

Tadpole (February 19-March 20)
Mean people suck. You will see a mean person acting very bad zis week. Zis mean person is maybe even someone you swim around with sometimes. Why you do zis? Make friends with nice people, Tadpole, and let the mean ones suck all by themselves.

Madame Zwelch makes no guarantee regarding the accuracy of her predictions. Follow her advice at your own risk! To learn more about your Bog sign, please visit the Bog Zodiac.

Dragonfly (March 21-April 19)
I see a confusing time coming for you. Is coming a time of great success or spectacular failure. You will maybe fly higher than ever before and wow us with your stupendousness. Or maybe you will go a little crazy in a backwards loop with half a twist and you will crash—SPLAT! Take chances but wear a helmet at all times, Dragonfly.

Stump (April 20-May 20)
Madame thinks you should avoid driving your car zis weekend. In fact, is best if you just stay home and read a trashy novel. The world beyond your immediate area is not a friendly place for you right now, Stump. If you must go out, have a friend drive you and wear a paper bag over your head so maybe the world won’t recognize you.

Two-headed Snake (May 21-June 20)
You have been dreaming big lately, but later zis week reality will smack you in the face. Expect a decrease in income. Or expect to lose the emergency twenty dollars you usually keep inside of your left shoe. Either way, will be bad for you, but don’t stop your dreaming yet. Sometimes a smack from reality is just the thing to make you focus on your best ideas.

Turtle (June 21-July 22)
Still you feel like you need something to change before you go crazy out of your mind. Madame is picturing a naked turtle lying on a family beach while drinking an adult beverage and smoking some dried seaweed. Zis is an ugly picture—you are scaring the frumpy ladies in their floppy sun bonnets. Do the world a favor and find something to distract yourself from your crazy thoughts.

Vulture (July 23-August 22)
Madame has told it to you so many times before, stinky bird, and now zis week she must tell it to you again: You are spending too much money. The fumes from your roadkill are maybe giving you brain damage and making you spend, spend, spend. Is not necessary to go out all the time and buy extraneous stuff. Stay home and do some free stuff for once.

Toadstool (August 23-September 22)
Still you are very busy, Toadstool. You are decomposing so many things, but you are starting to feel a little burnt out. Is okay to lighten your load a little. Take a break every day. Maybe you will sit outside and drink a nice lemonade or sweet tea. Maybe you will dance to some nice music, like Lady Gaga or Barry Manilow—“…at zis Copa … Copacabaaaana…” Madame is singing for you now, lucky Toadstool.

Water Strider (September 23-October 22)
Madame thinks you are still being lucky zis month, bug. Maybe soon you will run into someone you have not seen for a long time and zis person will change your life. Or maybe that was last week—Madame is not sure anymore. Oh, well. Just keep striding around in your little puddle and soon some stuff will happen to you. Zis is life.

Bat (October 23-November 21)
The constant flapping of your wings has attracted a beautiful person to you, Bat. Zis person maybe wants to make things all serious now, but you are not so sure. Listen to what Madame is telling to you: Anyone attracted to your weird flapping wings is probably a little bit nutzo. You should be careful what you do with them; they are maybe looking at you and dreaming of bat-wing soup. Madame has warned you.

Cattail (November 22-December 21)
Is time to do a little weeding in your immediate surroundings, Cattail. Lately you have been focused on other things and have maybe not taken such good care of yourself and the patch of Bog in which you are rooted. It hurts Madame to tell zis to you, but you are a big muddy mess and some of your leaves have giant ugly spots on them. For Bog’s sake, clean yourself up!

Spider (December 22-January 19)
I see a quiet week for you, Spider. Is a week for sipping tea and making plans. Your web is all working like it should. You are maybe thinking of adding a new wing or changing a strand here and there, but you will decide to wait until your ideas are more settled. Such a wise arachnid. Have a cookie with your tea.

Snail (January 20-February 18)
You should enjoy zis week, Snail, because next week … Well, let’s not talk about that yet. Just relax and have fun with your friends and family zis week, because next week … Oops—Madame already said we should not talk about that yet. Sorry. Um … Have a good week!

Tadpole (February 19-March 20)
Money is a crazy thing, Tadpole. Just when you get a little extra, something happens to make you spend it. Is hard to get ahead. Sometimes you just want to swim in circles and buy bazillions of new songs for your fancy music-playing thingy because that is the only thing in life that makes you happy. Do not give up, baby frog. Save some pennies now and maybe someday you will have five whole dollars.

Hazy sunlight filtered over the black water of the Bog. Every dead stump, each withered weed and slimy rock looked flat, washed out, boring. An oppressive quiet lingered, silencing every ripple and subduing even the mournful drone of insects.

Indeed, the Bog was unbearably peaceful.

Boghaunter perched atop the Mossy Stump, his emerald love beside him. Esmeralda, using the somewhat weird energy of the Bog, was appearing in a substantial and exceedingly solid form on this day. (You will recall that Esmeralda the emerald beauty is, alas, deceased, and so her form often shimmers or fades away entirely.) Boghaunter touched his wingtip to her leg and stroked her, ever so gently. She gazed longingly at her strikingly handsome mate, knowing exactly what was on his mind.

“Can you guess what’s on my mind, my love?” Boghaunter asked seductively.

“I think I can.” She smiled and flitted her wings flirtatiously. Perhaps this quiet day would bring some benefit, after all.

“Yeah, it sure is boring here without the kids,” Boghaunter said. He sighed and withdrew his wingtip from her leg.

Esmeralda was momentarily and understandably dumbfounded. “The kids?” She was no longer smiling. “You’re telling me you miss the kids?” (“And you think I’m boring?” she might have added—but didn’t.)

“Don’t you?”

What mother could say no to a question like that? On the other wing, Esmeralda was currently too peeved to say yes. “Um …” she uttered.

“It’s sad, how they never come around anymore,” Boghaunter said wistfully, thinking of the Triplets—Sunny, Buzz, and Stella—those youthful ghostly dragonflies who were his and Esmeralda’s only remaining offspring. (Not living offspring, mind you. You will recall that the Triplets, like their mother, had earlier met a most tragic and untimely end. The deceased trio now spent most of their time in the Spirit Realm, claiming they were “too busy” to pop into the Bog Realm for even a brief visit.)

Esmeralda stared out over the hazy Bog. Resignation set in. “Hmm.…”

Then Boghaunter turned to her again, hope gleaming in his bulgy eyes. “I wonder … I mean … maybe.…”

“Maybe I’ll just go find them,” Esmeralda said. And before the sound of her voice had faded, her form shimmered and then vanished into that other realm.

Boghaunter stayed put. He waited patiently. After having done that for a while, he began to wait somewhat less patiently. He hummed a bit, just to give himself something to do. Then he tried to compose a poem to describe his current surroundings, but could get no further than “Water, haze, hum, stump.” It was not a bad opening, he thought, but there his thoughts ended. Boghaunter repeated the line again, and again. “Water, haze, hum, stump. Water, haze, hum, stump.”

Suddenly, a voice from behind him added, “Here I sit like a big fat lump.”

“Sunny!” Boghaunter exclaimed, turning to greet his poetic ghostly daughter. A moment later Esmeralda popped back into view, followed by Buzz and Stella. The four ghostly dragonflies hovered there, wings unmoving, above the stump.

“’S’up, Pops?” Buzz asked.

It was Stella who answered, somewhat morosely, “Father wants to have family day again.” If dragonflies could roll their eyes, she would have.

“Daddy’s a lump!” Sunny added, causing her siblings to laugh uncontrollably.

Boghaunter laughed along, as the kids and their mother settled onto the stump. When he asked what they’d all been up to, Sunny recited an experimental poem she’d composed using only vowels, Stella described (in intricate and confusing detail) her explorations of trans-dimensional time travel, and Buzz said he’d mostly been flying in crazy patterns and trying not to run into stuff.

“That’s my boy!” Boghaunter enthused, and he flew off and did a quick figure eight, just to show that he still could.

If dragonflies could roll their eyes, Buzz would have. “Great, Pops.”

The dragonfly family sat there on the Mossy Stump, trying to avoid staring blankly at one another. The flatness, the quiet, the boredom continued.

“Dude, this blows,” Buzz observed, just a smidge too loudly.

His siblings, perhaps even his mother, would have agreed had not their boredom come to a sudden, shocking, and somewhat violent end. At the very moment when the final syllable of Buzz’s pronouncement left his lips (do ghostly dragonflies have lips?), the flat, washed-out, boring sky above them erupted into a crashing, flashing, and surprisingly localized storm. Thunder rumbled, lightning sizzled—and it all emanated from a single dark spot hanging there in the sky. The five dragonflies stared up in wonder and fright at this growing point of deepest darkness, blackness, nothingness.

And then the screaming began.

It started as a faint “ahh” that quickly crescendoed into an ear-splitting “AHHH!” whose volume increased moment by moment. The scream seemed to be attached to an object that was currently falling through the dark stormy spot. The screaming, falling object (which was about the size of a turtle) finally hit the Bog’s surface with a resounding kerplunk and a rather large splash. It sank briefly before rising again to the surface, only to be struck by one final bolt of lightning. Foul dark smoke began rising from the object. Then the sudden storm ceased and the spot in the sky shrank into invisibility as quickly as it had come.

The floating, smoking object had four stubby legs that stuck up towards the sky. As the dumbfounded dragonflies continued to stare, a reptilian head emerged from the object and uttered a weak “ach.” With that, the object began to sink.

It was, of course, the indomitable and mostly unsinkable Madame Zwelch.

Coming in 2 weeks: The Mostly Unsinkable Madame Zwelch … Sinks

Madame Zwelch makes no guarantee regarding the accuracy of her predictions. Follow her advice at your own risk! To learn more about your Bog sign, please visit the Bog Zodiac.

Dragonfly (March 21-April 19)
I see an active love time starting for you, Dragonfly. You will be irresistible to those you are trying to attract, and one special person in particular will be smitten. But listen to what Madame is telling to you, insect: You must be careful of what comes out from your big stupid mouth. The Dragonfly that spews thoughtless and insulting words flies alone.

Stump (April 20-May 20)
There is maybe some extra money coming for you soon, Stump. Zis is good news, especially since you could also have a new or deepening romance that will require you to buy special flowers and dumb mushy cards—maybe even fancy candlelit dinners or a weekend getaway. Love is expensive, Stump.

Two-headed Snake (May 21-June 20)
Your heads will be all full of dreams zis week, Snake. You will think big. You will dream of things that have never been and you will ask “Why not?” New and exciting possibilities will arise, but you will also have some really dumb ideas. (Hint: The banana-powered SUV is a dumb idea.) Go ahead and dream for now, but soon you will have to sort through your ideas and throw out what is stupid.

Turtle (June 21-July 22)
You are beginning to feel like your shell is too tight. Maybe is time for you to make some big change in your life, like moving or finding a new job. Take it slow, Turtle (like Madame actually has to tell you zis). Is okay to let things develop for now. You will make a decision in the summer. Or maybe you will realize your shell is tight because you have eaten too many Twinkies. Comfort could be just a diet away, reptile.

Vulture (July 23-August 22)
Oh, Vulture, you are so stinky and yet so charming. Others will be drawn to you zis week, and they will all hang on your every word. You can convince anyone to do anything. Madame is picturing you perched atop a pile of carrion, issuing orders from your unwashed beak. Use your power only for good, stinky bird.

Toadstool (August 23-September 22)
You think you are so smart. You think only you know how to fix all the problems in your immediate area. Well, you are right, of course, but sometimes you must not force your brilliant solutions on the rest of us. Remember you can’t do everything all at once, Toadstool. Do only what is most important now and let someone else do the rest. You can fix their mistakes later.

Water Strider (September 23-October 22)
Zis week you will feel very smart and capable, bug. Perhaps you will only actually be half as smart and capable as you feel, but a little self-confidence won’t hurt you now. Use zis time to learn something you have always wanted to know how to do. Minor home repairs await!

Bat (October 23-November 21)
The constant flapping of your wings is starting to attract the right kind of attention, Bat. You are fascinating, and people can’t stop looking at you. They want to know what makes you flap. Some important people are noticing you now, so be careful how you fly. Frantic flapping in random directions will not impress anyone.

Cattail (November 22-December 21)
Your boss is a big dummy. You know it, everyone knows it, but still you should not say it out loud. Keep these thoughts to yourself, Cattail, unless you are self-employed and act as your own boss. Then you are the big dummy and you should remind yourself to be more smart in the future—hopefully the immediate future.

Spider (December 22-January 19)
Zis week you will be a busy little Spider. You will spin, spin, spin, and maybe someone will even pay you for all that work. Or maybe not. Sometimes, Spider, making a beautiful web is its own reward. And sometimes you will have to sell some furniture so you can pay the rent. Zis is life.

Snail (January 20-February 18)
Sometimes, Snail, you don’t understand your relatives, especially your children. Starting zis week will be a brief time for you to crawl closer to them. You will suddenly be able to see things through their eyes. Will be a miracle—a very short miracle. Soon everything will be back to normal and you will wonder if you are really related to these weirdoes.

Tadpole (February 19-March 20)
Is all about work for you zis week, Tadpole. Stop groaning. Go ahead and admit that you love your job. Zis week even the annoying things will go smoothly. You will solve problems in a brilliant way that gets you noticed by the people who sign your paycheck. Don’t expect a raise or anything (silly Tadpole!), but you will maybe get a nice pat on the back.

Madame Zwelch makes no guarantee regarding the accuracy of her predictions. Follow her advice at your own risk! To learn more about your Bog sign, please visit the Bog Zodiac.

Dragonfly (March 21-April 19)
You will be very busy zis week. Remember all those crazy thoughts from last week? You will have no time to worry about them now. Work is hectic but rewarding as you fly all around like mad trying to get stuff done. You also might be very lucky zis week, like you will find a lucky penny or win the lottery (but Madame does not condone gambling).

Stump (April 20-May 20)
Your little brain will be bombarded by vivid dreams zis week, Stump (like that one where you show up naked at your boss’s formal dinner party). Pay attention to what your dreams might be telling you, but don’t make it all serious like you are prone to doing. Yes, some things are bubbling in the depths of your subconscious, and maybe the universe has a message for you, but that foot-long chili dog with cheese sauce, extra onions, and whipped cream is just a neat idea for lunch—or is it?

Two-headed Snake (May 21-June 20)
Zis week will bring opportunity to recover from the unpleasantness of last week. You are a Snake in need of a solution, and someone you either already know or are about to meet will have just what you need. Don’t burden everyone with your whiny tale of woe (please!), but also don’t be shy about letting people know you are looking for some exciting new opportunity.

Turtle (June 21-July 22)
The time of change continues to develop. Actually, it is just getting started. Last week Madame told you to put your head outside of your shell and look around. Zis week Madame tells you to not put your head out too far. You are a slow-moving reptile, and zis is okay. Do not take any hasty action; instead, let things develop a bit longer before you make any decisions.

Vulture (July 23-August 22)
You will be a money machine zis week, stinky bird. What does zis mean? You will make lots of money … and you will spend lots of money. Your healthy income will make you think you can buy lots of stuff you never knew you wanted, like some nice scented body wash and maybe some cologne (please!). Also you will spend money on loved ones. Enjoy your shopping spree; soon once more you will find a way to worry that you don’t have enough dough.

Toadstool (August 23-September 22)
Suddenly zis week you will feel like an energy bomb has gone off in your life. So much to do! Places to go! Dead stuff to decompose! Zis will be a little bit exciting for you, but don’t let yourself get so wired you forget how to be an organized, methodical Toadstool. You aren’t built for fast action at a moment’s notice, and if you act like you are … well, have you ever seen a Toadstool burn out and go “splat”? Zis nasty fried fungus could be you if you don’t take care of yourself during zis hectic time. Drink chamomile tea and listen to soft music.

Water Strider (September 23-October 22)
Madame has boring news for you zis week: Is time to organize your finances. You are leaking money from somewhere and is time to take control, bug. Gather your financial statements around you in a big pile and read them. Write down everything you spend money on zis week. You spend how much on hair-care products? Really, bug, is better to shave your head and put the money you save into an IRA. Trust Madame.

Bat (October 23-November 21)
Something wonderful will fall into your lap zis week, Bat. Madame is talking about either a fabulous professional opportunity or a jelly doughnut. If it is a professional opportunity, examine it carefully before you proceed. If it is a jelly doughnut, shut up and eat it.

Cattail (November 22-December 21)
Madame sees something lucky happening for you zis week, Cattail. Zis luck will come from someone you meet. Will maybe be love, a job tip, or free tickets to an amusement park. Zis is no week to stay home and watch TV every evening. Get out there where you might accidentally meet some new people! Also, you should pay attention to the gossip grapevine at your work; some of the sour grapes on the vine could be about you.

Spider (December 22-January 19)
Prepare to have your web rocked zis week, Spider. Madame thinks your personal version of reality will be turned on its head by something a friend or relative says to you. Like your sister will say she was abducted by aliens, and she will have the Alpha Centauri postcards to prove it. You can’t argue with an interstellar postcard, arachnid. Zis week, deal with the world as it is, not with the world as you think it should be.

Snail (January 20-February 18)
Will be a great week for you, Snail. Will be the best week you have had in a while. You are very lucky zis week. Also, expect to meet someone who will make you even more lucky. Madame is talking about someone who will give you a great job tip or help you buy a good car for only five dollars. Vroom, vroom! (A note from the editors: As a turtle, Madame Zwelch knows very little about cars or car financing. We recommend that you practice due diligence if anyone actually offers you a “good car” for five dollars.)

Tadpole (February 19-March 20)
Is likely you will have a big fight with someone at home zis week. Lately you are all getting on each other’s nerves and everyone is mad that they aren’t getting exactly what they want. Especially you are mad, Tadpole, but zis you can easily fix. You really think the Bog will always give you just what you want? Ha! Zis is making Madame to laugh at your silliness. I do it again: Ha! Be realistic, baby frog. Sometimes you must compromise, and sometimes you must give in entirely. Zis is just life.

Madame Zwelch makes no guarantee regarding the accuracy of her predictions. Follow her advice at your own risk! To learn more about your Bog sign, please visit the Bog Zodiac.

Dragonfly (March 21-April 19)
Zis week your little wings will be all restless, Dragonfly. You will be thinking of new places you might fly to. You will maybe even think of flying to these places upside down and backwards (Madame no can recommend doing zis, but is an interesting thought). I think you should take no action on your crazy ideas now. Later zis summer the time will be more right for backwards, upside-down flying.

Stump (April 20-May 20)
Someone will maybe ask you for money zis week. I know, I know … zis seems to happen every week. But zis week will be different because now you actually have a fistful of extra money you might consider giving away. Madame advises you to save your money, or at least most of it. Instead of throwing money around, get your actual self involved by volunteering for zis cause you feel so strongly about. Will be better for you in the long run.

Two-headed Snake (May 21-June 20)
Life is about to get a little more expensive for you, Snake. Madame hopes you have listened to your smart head and saved a little dough for a rainy day. Some things might break zis week, or you might experience a temporary reduction in income. If these unpleasant things do happen, just listen to your happy-go-lucky head and convince yourself that better times are just around the corner. If no unpleasant things happen, take pleasure in knowing the Madame was wrong—once.

Turtle (June 21-July 22)
I see change coming for you zis summer, Turtle, and it might begin as early as zis week. At least, you might start seeing some hint of what zis change will be all about. Pay attention to what is happening in your life. Zis is no time to keep your little head inside of your shell so you will be blindsided by zis change. Is better to be a prepared Turtle.

Vulture (July 23-August 22)
You must take time to relax and have fun. Play with your children zis week, and next week too. Playing like zis will keep your mind young and will help you be a happy stinky bird. If you no have children, play with your pet, unless your pet is a poisonous reptile. If your pet is a poisonous reptile, seek professional help for how to be cuddly and relate to others of your own kind. Take a bath.

Toadstool (August 23-September 22)
Zis week you feel drawn to spend time with family. It doesn’t have to be fancy, like a big giant party; a nice movie night at home will do. After the big fight over which movie to watch, settle in with your loved ones and just relax. You will maybe think you need to fix whatever happened in the fight, but zis time you should shut up and watch the movie. You don’t have to fix everything all the time, Toadstool.

Water Strider (September 23-October 22)
Prepare to meet new people, if not zis week then in the near future. And Madame is not talking here about just any plain old boring people like you already know. Oh no, she is talking to you about unusual and interesting people. She is talking to you about people who travel with carnivals and dress up for Renaissance festivals. She is talking to you about people who play with things that are sharp and/or on fire. She is telling you to hang on to your old boring friends to keep you from going nutzo like a crazy little bug.

Bat (October 23-November 21)
Your life is not very interesting zis week, Bat. Madame does not know what to tell to you, so she will give general advice what is good for all times. Be careful not to fly too fast anywhere. (Really, flying mammal, is it so important to get a Happy Meal in the next thirty seconds? Stay home and eat a carrot.) Maintain a safe distance between you and the flying thing in front of you at all times. Never drink and fly.

Cattail (November 22-December 21)
Is time to take stock of your year so far. How’s it going, weed? Are you happy with your progress? Have you swayed too much and spent too much time thinking and too little time doing? Isn’t that the same thing you did last year, and the year before that? Whether you are happy or dismayed with where you are now, make a plan for the rest of the year. Write down what you want to do and post your plan someplace where you will see it every day. Then stare at it until it starts to sink in. Silly swaying weed.

Spider (December 22-January 19)
Is a good time to sit back and enjoy your web. Have someone special come and enjoy it with you. Share your best and freshest dead bugs with your special someone. If you are a Spider without a special someone, Madame suggests you either go where you can meet someone or stay home and have some soda and tortilla chips and watch dumb shows on TLC. Is up to you, arachnid.

Snail (January 20-February 18)
Focus on friends zis week, Snail. Take your crazy spiral home and go out to lunch with an old pal, or maybe even with several old pals. Just have fun together. Slime your pal playfully and make them go “Ewww.” Zis will be such a good time!

Tadpole (February 19-March 20)
I think you have recently gotten too exuberant and promised people some very lovely things that you can’t actually deliver. Oh, you crazy Tadpole. You must do the best you can and then be honest about why you are falling a little (or a lot) short. Maybe zis time you can stretch yourself very thin and do these things you said you would do. Next time, think before you open your little mouth and make promises.

Madame Zwelch makes no guarantee regarding the accuracy of her predictions. Follow her advice at your own risk! To learn more about your Bog sign, please visit the Bog Zodiac.

Dragonfly (March 21-April 19)
A friend will help you zis week. Zis person will tell you something very smart that you really should be able to figure out for yourself. Alas, insect, sometimes you are blind to what is right in front of you, so your friends have to point stuff out. Anyway, expect hopefulness and optimism to grow after your friend tells to you zis smart thing. Don’t forget to thank your friend too. Nothing says “thank you” like a free lunch.

Stump (April 20-May 20)
I have two things to tell to you zis week, Stump. First, expect your finances to improve starting early in the week. Second, expect a relationship to go kersplat—unless you figure out how to compromise. I think you are a stubborn Stump who doesn’t want to do new stuff sometimes, but you will have to change some stuff to keep a relationship going. On the other hand, if zis relationship ends you will save even more money because you will be staying home alone every evening. Is up to you, Stump.

Two-headed Snake (May 21-June 20)
I see something interesting happening for you zis week, Snake. By “interesting” I mean “minor catastrophe.” Maybe something will break in your house or at your job. Maybe your job will change in a way you do not like. Or else your least favorite relative will call needing a favor. I no can see what will happen exactly, but I think you will be unhappy for part of zis week. Sorry, Snake.

Turtle (June 21-July 22)
Is time to stop working and have some fun zis week, Turtle. Go outside and play Frisbee with your friends. If you have no friends to catch your Frisbee and throw it back to you, zis is a good week to meet new people. When you meet them, tell them you have a new Frisbee. Fun people can’t resist a Frisbee. If you meet only boring people, ask them to join you for an early-bird special at the local buffet. Enjoy their company and laugh at their nonsensical, non-funny jokes. Hey, at least you are not working and being all serious, right?

Vulture (July 23-August 22)
Madame does not know what you will do zis week, big stinky bird. She predicts you will not take a bath and you will make some innocent people faint from your awful smell, but zis is just business as usual. You should check your bank balance frequently and continue to be careful with money. Is still likely some things will go wrong, like your paycheck will be for $11.81 instead of $1,181. Be a frugal bird.

Toadstool (August 23-September 22)
You will be very popular zis week and for the next couple of weeks to come. Suddenly everyone wants to be around you; even relatives and old friends in distant parts of the country will contact you. Enjoy the attention, and try not to poison anyone by saying some hurtful thing, like to your cousin Wanda with the big frizzy hair and the ugly mole. Just let Wanda be herself. The world needs ugly, frizzy people.

Water Strider (September 23-October 22)
Zis is your week to be a big confident bug. Maybe you have been feeling doubtful about your ability to be successful at certain things. Well, zis week your doubt will leave. Late zis week zis will happen. Will be time for you to stride out with your little head held high and accomplish, accomplish, accomplish. You can do anything, bug!

Bat (October 23-November 21)
The universe is with you zis week, Bat. People will be drawn to you. Madame is talking about useful people here, not just some random riffraff from off the street. Is a good time for connecting with people who will influence your whole life. You should think big zis week. Also be open to the ideas these useful people have for you; one of them might give you a whole new way to fly without bumping into stuff all the time.

Cattail (November 22-December 21)
Take some time to chill during zis week, Cattail. Sometimes you get too caught up in your daily grind and forget to look at your big picture. Go to some quiet place where you can relax and not be distracted by dumb stuff. No Blackberry or iPod! Just you and the real world, the big juicy world beyond the constant chatter of the crap you usually distract yourself with. Let yourself settle down and sway a little bit. You will realize something new about yourself and your life.

Spider (December 22-January 19)
Is time to get out of your web zis week. Lately you are thinking too much about all the sticky strands of your amazing edifice and you are spending too little time with friends. Zis week you must change that. Go do something fun before you forget how!

Snail (January 20-February 18)
You are working, working, working, and people at work love you for it. But do not forget your friends and family. Yes, you are a career Snail, but you can be a family Snail and a fun-time Snail too. Continue to be great at your job, but balance zis with being great at home too. It is as simple as taking everyone out for pizza or ice cream.

Tadpole (February 19-March 20)
Madame sees conflict for you zis week. You and someone you know have completely opposite points of view. Compromise is difficult because you know you are right. Zis is a growth opportunity for you, Tadpole. Just for zis one time, shut up and listen to the other person’s ideas without prejudging them. You can still end up thinking they are wrong, stupid, and insane, but at least you can say you gave them a chance. Be a big Tadpole.